The Journey!

The journey was supposed to be of twenty hours. But it seemed like it was taking forever. Every minute the train was nearing its destination, my heart was beating faster. My eyes were full of nice dreams of my little daughter. My bag was full of toys for her, carefully picked from the “LifeStyle” store for infants below 2 months. It was a nice collection of 6-7 toys for which I paid a handsome amount of money. But it was worth it.
I was picking up the toys one by one and looking at them with awe. They will be held by tiny hands after a few hours. I found myself getting into conversation with strangers, almost forcing upon my happiness on them, discussing about my baby. Was it infectious? I think it was, because I found those very strangers beaming with broad smiles, as if they have seen my baby through my words, through my eyes. I haven’t given her a name yet. I was going for her naming ceremony after a full one month. God really gave me strength to hold back for such a long time.
I reached home in the night. I had to go to my in-laws in the morning where my wife was waiting for me with our little angel. Whooof…..Another night of waiting!!!!
The moment I went to my in-laws place, I heard the joys and screams of people over there. There was too much rush as if it were a marriage. And there is a never ending list of persons whom you have to meet. You can’t deny, because you can’t hurt their feelings!
I met my wife’s parents. They led me inside where I met my wife. Simple, as usual, she was supposed to look drained off after the delivery. But, surprisingly, she was glowing than ever! There was my daughter, on the bed staring at the roof.
She couldn’t focus her eyes on me, yet I could feel that I am all important for her. She couldn’t hold my hand, yet I could feel that she would hold me when I will need her. There was a sense of responsibility in me now. Responsible for a new living being in this world; my own blood, my baby. People say her eyes bear an uncanny resemblance to my eyes. I take pride in that. Why not, I am her father! And a girl child who resembles her father in something or another is said to be happy. My daughter would not be that shy girl next door but a strong willed girl of the world she is going to be a part of. She would be the perfect example of a girl whose birth would probably give no reason why would anybody want a son. She wont grow up instantly. Obviously, that will take its own course of time. A lot of time will go in bringing her up, but the journey would be worth it.

Mother

God realized that he could not be present everywhere. Therefore, he created mothers.

Those wet eyes, which look at my path with the sole expectation that her son would come and make her happy, make her smile. I would wipe away the tears fom her eyes; my very presence would make her feel strong. Her weak body would suddenly get a dose of adrenalin. She would rush to the verandah to welcome me. I would hug her as if I have not met for years, like it was my dying wish just to meet her. Tears would role down my cheeks.I would hastily wipe them off, forcing a smile on my face.

"You are so late, son!"Yes I am mom, I am. I always am.I think I am destined to be late.How unfortunate would a son be who could not see his father in his last moment! How unfortunate would a son be who could not put fire on his father's pyre in spite of being the eldest son.

I was late. Late by a whole seventeen hours.And I am late today.
Should I blame the train or my fate? Here is a lady who has lost her husband barely a few months back. Her only solace are her two sons. And I am late!Shame.

She would let me in and ask me about my health. "Have you checked your pressure recently?
Have you got any headache recently? Have you been getting good food to eat?" Her questions
would go on, without a full-stop.
"And what about your medicines Ma? Are you having them regularly or not?" I would ask.

"Me? What will I do by living anymore? " She would say, with tears rolling down her cheeks. "Some basic responsibilities for which I have to live Then I would go to your father ............. S..O..O..N"

That would tear across my heart. "Look, I dont want to repeat this everytime. You are not going anywhere. I wont let you go anywhere!!!"
An angry son would leave the room in a haste. Immediately after going out of the room, his
limbs would become weak; as if it had no power to stand still. His eyes would turn blood red; oozing out tears.
Then, a warm hand would reach my shoulders.Its my wife. Staying with my mom ever since our baby was born(my baby was born shortly after my father's demise).She sacrificed her own happiness to make me feel comfortable. Being there with my mom when I have to slog at office far far away in another corner of the country.She knows we have the lifetime to be with each other, to share our love and happiness with each other. But right now, our priorities have changed. A wish to give my mother the world of peace and comfort. Not to let her feel lonely, to make her realize her children are still there with her, her pillars of strength.

The loss!!

Those who haven’t lost somebody very close to them would never understand the pain of the people who have gone through it.
I have gone through it, having lost my father.
It was a wound that would be fresh through out my life. It has been eight months since then; and it is still hard to believe that he is no more. I couldn’t see him in his last minutes. Perhaps this might be the reason why do I find it hard to believe it.

A call at 6.30 AM in the morning would never be the same again. A flight to Vizag would never be the same again. And add to it the endless hours I spent at the Railway station waiting for a train to pass by, so that I might get home as quickly as possible.
The journey from the main gate to my mother’s room was like a year’s journey to me. My heart bled after looking her swollen eyes and plain forehead. She used to like red sarees and bright bangles. Her forehead used to shimmer in sindoor.

Today back home, nothing is as before. I get reminded of my father in every little thing in the house. Those suppressed tears in my mother’s eyes make me shiver. Eyes which are speechless yet they speak volumes.
Today, I have a small kid whose presence should be making me happy. And I have a loving wife. But the pain of loss of my father far more supersedes the joy I should be feeling for the birth of my daughter.
Sometimes, I feel the person within me unable to have that range of emotions to share with my mother, and my wife and kid. I feel unable be happy and unhappy at the same time. Here I have a woman in my life for whom there is nobody besides me and another woman for whom I mean the world. My world would never be the same again.Yet, life goes on.

A heavenly experience .......

Miracles do happen. Dont they?
The very feeling that you have been the source of evolution of a new living being gives you a high. And what a marvel it is! Really, there is a God up above!
My wife and I had been waiting for this day for nine long months;finally the long wait has paid off. We got to meet our cute little baby.
The closed eyes! Those tightened palms ! Tiny hands, fingers, and the feet which feel softer than velvet!
When her eyes are open, she spends much of the time studying faces. She would grab onto your finger if you place it in her palm. She would cry uncontrollably if she doesnt get her share of food immediately. And yes, she sleeps when she listens to a ringtone on the mobile.
She sleeps nicely all through the day. And keeps my wife awake throughout the night (how rude...hmmm,.... how cute! Well, I can't really decide on that).

For both of us, having a baby has been a major, life-changing experience. It would be the same for any couple who have got their first kid. And we have been going through a broad range of feelings ever since. We experience everything from elation to concern to a sense of being overwhelmed to unrestrained joy. And the feelings change suddenly, and unpredictably.

She cries, just letting me think that in a few months she would be crying for never-ending reasons; crying to get her a chocolate, a ride on my shoulder outside the apartment(that would not be shorter and less exciting than a trip round the world for her), crying to stop me from going to office. Oh, I would love to stay back on that note.
Soon a day would come when this tiny kid would be demanding a vehicle of her own to go to school. A new mobile, an mp3 player(well mp4 are already doing rounds) and a mini dvd player may be.And mind it, all of them during school itself. I dare not think of her demands during her college period.
Her demands would rise along with her age. Her college days would be spent with new friends(lots of them; gals and guys). My daughter is going to be the most enchanting lady, with people being envious of her looks and brains. Someday, she would tell me, "Dad, this is my first paycheck....Can I dedicate it to my grandpa whom I could never see?" I could feel my eyes get wet.
One day, she would show me the picture of a nice looking guy, telling, "Dad, this is the guy I want to marry. How do you find him? Nice, eh?"
I would say, " Dear, your mother wont agree to this. She would rather find someone of her own. The one who would suit to her criteria. You know her!"
"Dad! Thats why I am showing you! And you have told, you would agree to whatever I ask for, "if" it is reasonable!"
"Sorry, little girl! Mamma is the final authority on such issues..."
She would slam her bedroom door and sulk....................

...............................
...............................

The phone slipped out of my hands. My baby was crying on the phone. She is with her mother and maternal grandparents. I havent met her yet. Her pictures adorn the doors of the wardrobe in my bedroom. My wife has put the phone near her mouth so that I could listen to her loud cries.

I would be with my daughter in a few days....till then I keep thinking of her and her demands which I would love to fulfill.

Belief in the Ultimate

There are two kinds of people in this world; one who believe in God and one who dont. There has been enough debate on the topic : Does God really exist?
My sister had been an extremely talented student throughout her career. And she attributed her success to her hard work only. Before going for her exams, she would never bow before God or even pray for success because she was of the opinion that if she has prepared well, then she can definitely answer the questions. She really didnt need those supernatural powers that many of us really hope for during such times.
But today, after 15 years into her marriage and 2 school going kids, she is a completely changed person. Her perception has changed. And her perception has really taught me something. God is not someone who sits on a throne and who waits for your prayers to turn towards you. Neither does he have a kitty full of wishes to be given in charity to needful people. If it were, then going by the faith and devotion that a person has on God, nobody on this earth would be suffering from pain.
God is somebody who you put your faith on; whom you believe blindly on. You believe that there is some supreme power who is there to listen your woes and help you gain strength. You surrender yourself in front of him. That very thought of having somebody supreme guiding you and acting as a shield on you makes you feel strong. You dont feel alone. God is not a magician. Yet, your belief in his existence and eventually,his presence in your beliefs can work wonders. It will soothe your troubled mind.

Let me start something I like the most....

Well, there are numerous people who love writing.......and they convey their feelings through their blogs. I feel proud in my own way to join this league....officially putting forth my wish to let my emotions start pouring like hot porridge. My writings would include parts from my own life and lives I come across. I will encourage my readers to give back their comments.